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The Saga of Anubis (Or, How Daniel Jackson is Followed By a Kitten)
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ladylade
Title: The Saga of Anubis (Or, How Daniel Jackson is Followed By a Kitten)
Author: Lady Lade
Rating: R
Summary: The kitten stares at him. Daniel stares back. Either Daniel’s hallucinating, or he’s got a Goa’uld kitten in his bathroom.
Warnings: Ridiculous, ridiculous crack. I am not joking about this. Also, language.
Disclaimer: I obviously don't even own my mind, so...

A/N: I don't even know how I wrote something so cracky. This is so crack I feel like someone should take pity on my brain and put it down. This is like crack from the best crack leaves cut with crack. Be forewarned.




The Saga of Anubis (Or, How Daniel Jackson is Followed By a Kitten)

“I are Goa’uld,” the tiny grey kitten says.

Daniel stares down at it from his seat on the toilet. If there was ever a time for this, it is definitely not now.

“Bow before me, cretin human,” it says. Its voice is high and scratchy, and the words aren’t quite formed right.

Daniel continues to stare.

The kitten glares up at him. “I are serious Anubis. This is serious business.”

“This is not real,” Daniel says, more to himself than to the cat.

“You give teh kitteh offerings.” One patch of hair behind its right ear is sticking up wildly, looking like a contained electrocution. “Of tuna.”

“This is not real.” Daniel says.

The kitten stares at him. Daniel stares back. The world must be fucking with him. He calls Jack anyway. Either Daniel’s hallucinating, or he’s got a Goa’uld kitten in his bathroom.

 
---


Jack finds him still on the toilet, with his pants around his ankles and locked in a stare-down with the kitten.

“You’re not too much on modesty, are you Danny?” Jack asks.

Daniel wants to punch him.

“Considering I’m either crazy or there is a Goa’uld in this kitten, no, Jack, I do not care much about my modesty right now. Besides,” he adds, feeling vindictive, “it’s no worse than that time on PX-24595 where you got in a fight with that gorilla-like animal in the underbrush over your pants—”

“Right, no being mean. Got the message,” Jack says hastily.

“What are this ‘gorilla’ you speaks of?” the kitten says.

Daniel stares. Jack stares.

“Can I has explanation?” The kitten looks intently between them, obviously waiting for an answer.

Jack’s mouth is flopping like a fish’s.

“Is it possible we’re just having a shared hallucination?” Daniel mutters. “Or that my bathroom has been turned into a holographic prank?”

“I ARE ANUBIS,” the kitten glares. “YOU GIVE ME TUNA AND EXPLANATION, HUUUMAN.”

“What. The. Fuck.” Jack says.

 
---


They end up calling General Hammond. And Sam, and Janet. Jack is kind enough to take over the staring match while Daniel finishes his business and pulls up his pants, then puts down the toilet lid and sits on that.

“This can’t be real,” Jack says.

Daniel nods. He really, ­really knows the feeling.

“This can’t be real,” Jack repeats.

“I tried telling myself that,” Daniel watches the kitten delicately wash its paw. “It hasn’t helped so far.”

“Om nom nom,” the kitten says. “I has a flavor.”

“How the fuck is this my life?” Jack mutters.

Oh, yes. Daniel really knows the feeling.

 
---


Sam arrives with a pink cat carrier, and has the decency to smother her laughter when she sees them. Daniel is grateful enough that he could kiss her, weird ‘but she’s like my sister’ feeling and all.

“You’ve got a cat problem, sir?” Sam asks Jack.

“Carter,” Jack says in his ‘I’m about to lose it and draw faces on plates with condiments’ voice.

“You should really just get it in the carrier,” Daniel says.

“Right,” Sam answers, and then she grins.

Daniel would be all for grinning and baiting Jack until he explodes, but there’s an evil talking cat on his bathroom floor. Forgive him if he’s more in the mood to despair his own life than to torture Jack.

“Hey kitty,” Sam croons at it. “Look what I’ve got.”

The kitten, despite rigorous cleaning efforts, has not managed to tame the electrocuted hair patch. Sam sets the carrier in front of the kitten, and its looks up at her, clearly not amused.

“No, you furst, I insist,” the kitten deadpans. The effect is slightly ruined by the squeak of its voice.

Sam blinks. “You guys were actually serious,” she says.

Daniel and Jack stare incredulously at her. Why the hell would they call General Hammond if they weren’t serious?

Sam throws up her hands. “Look, it’s a bit weirder than the weird we’re used to, and that’s saying something.”

Daniel concedes that she may have a point.

The kitten is staring at the carrier in deep contemplation. “I can has cheeseburger?” it finally asks.

A kitten, who is really a Goa’uld, is negotiating for a cheeseburger so that it will go into a pink carrier.

What. The. Fuck,” Jack repeats. His voice is a little straggled.

Daniel is just as horrified with the situation as he is with how much he’s been agreeing with Jack today.

 
---


First Janet runs (rather unnecessarily invasive) tests on Daniel, Jack and Sam. Then she gives the kitten a cheeseburger. Then she runs tests on the kitten.

“There’s definitely a Goa’uld in there,” Janet says, pulling up the x-ray of the kitten. The kitten is so small that the Goa’uld has wrapped itself down half of the spinal cord. “I’ve kept him in the carrier, just in case.”

“I tell her again and again, ‘How can I be epitamy of evil when I has bright pink carrier’?” the kitten says mournfully.

This day is going to be the day that breaks either his head, or his sanity. Daniel can just feel it.

They all turn to stare at the kitten, whose belly is distended from the cheeseburger. Daniel has a sudden, horrifying thought of Goa’uld invading Earth through large armies of kittens. They could take the world in a few hours, suffocating people by sitting on their faces when they sleep.

“Why you stare at Anubis kitteh?” it asks.

“Definitely a Goa’uld,” Sam mutters. “It’s talking about itself in third person.”

Jack starts to laugh. “We should bring in Teal’c, let the big guy stare it down.”

Daniel has to admit, that idea might make the day better.

 
---


It does make the day a little better.

The kitten squeaks out, “Jaffa, kree,” when it sees Teal’c.

At first Teal’c looks bewildered (eyebrows at position 5). Then he looks angry (eyebrows position 1).

Daniel looks amused (hidden grin), and then more amused (hidden sniggering).

“You are a false God. I do not follow you,” he says to the kitten.

“I are Anubis! I HAS SEEN THE END. No one was spared, not even THE CHILDREN. WHAT HAS BEEN SEEN CANNOT BE UNSEEN,” the kitten rants.

Daniel doesn’t even know how to decipher that one. Seeing as how Teal’c eyebrows are at positions 5 and 2, he doesn’t either.

“Well,” Jack drawls, “that’s a new one.”

Sadly, it is. Even sadder, it takes a kitten Goa’uld to refresh the whole ‘I will destroy you and this planet’ speech.

“You are wrong, false god,” Teal’c says, and shifts his stance into a ready position. “This world will prevail, and you will perish.”

Daniel almost laughs at the absurdity of Teal’c readying himself to fight a kitten locked in a carrier. His mirth is gone when he studies the two and realizes the kitten’s just a few shades darker than that strip of—Daniel doesn’t even want to know—something plastered on Teal’c’s chin a few months back.

“Oh plz,” the kitten mutters, sounding like a five-year-old-girl. “Who you think invented dark side? Set eye lasers to kill phase.”

Daniel needs a nap.

 
---


The nap would have been perfect, if Daniel hadn’t woken up to a squeaky voice saying, “Ceiling cat is watching you masturbate.”

Daniel jolts up, and hears a cackling from the vent. It’s very high-pitched and sounds like Daniel’s old cat hacking up a hairball. It doesn’t exactly inspire fear.

“Please tell me it hasn’t escaped,” Daniel begs of the ceiling.

“I IZ TEN NINJAS. YOU NEVER CATCH ME NAO,” the ceiling replies.

Daniel sighs. Shit.

 
---


“Hey, Janet,” Daniel says quietly when she picks up her phone, “are you missing a kitten?”

From the slew of curses that would make a Marine blush and the (hacking) cackling sound traveling through the ceiling, Daniel guesses she is.

 
---


The Goa’uld kitten finally gives itself away when Siler overhears it say, “LOLcat Positioning System: finds only tuna and cheeseburger.”

So they set out cans of tuna and cheeseburgers at every vent entrance, and wait.

Thirty minutes later, Teal’c has the kitten by the scruff of the neck, looking down on it in disdain (eyebrows at positions 2 and 0).

 
---


“Peeping tom cat caught in act,” the kitten says mournfully in the infirmary, still dangling in Teal’c’s grasp.

They’re all staring again: Daniel, Jack, Sam, Teal’c, Janet. Daniel wishes this day could be wiped from existence.

“I…don’t know how to respond to that,” Daniel finally says.

The kitten starts cackling again, and then actually starts hacking. Daniel moves out of range (he knows exactly how good a cat’s aim can be), and braces himself.

The kitten coughs up a dime, which clatters to the floor and shines wet with saliva. It stares dazedly at it. “I has money. What I do with it?”

“Janet, maybe now would be a good time to get rid of this thing,” Jack shifts from foot to foot. “Do you know how long this day has been?”

“It’s only 1400 hours, sir,” Sam says.

“I’m well aware of that,” Jack answers.

Daniel was not aware it was that early in the day. This makes him want to cry. Or pull out that hidden bottle of vodka he got from Prussia, the kind that’s so thick you can stand a spoon upright in it.

Maybe he’ll do both, and invite Sam to join him; Sam will drink it down, no problem (how the hell did they survive grad school?), but Jack believes that liquor as thick as syrup is unnatural. Plus, Sam won’t mind if he cries at the insanity that is his life.

“If it weren’t for those meddling humans…” the kitten mutters.

Definitely both.

 
---


In the end, they get the Goa’uld out without killing the kitten. Apparently, it’s easier to remove Goa’ulds from animals. Daniel misses the reason why because he is too drunk to understand the medical terms Janet is throwing around in the briefing room.

The kitten sits in its pink carrier, a curl of grey fur, while General Hammond conducts the investigation of the Goa’uld kitten.

“How did this kitten get into your apartment, Dr. Jackson?” General Hammond asks.

“I have a headache,” Daniel says. “Ask me later, please.”

Sam and Janet smirk behind their hands, because this is just like a seminar class in college, and they can translate the real meaning of his words: I’m drunk right now, and if I say anything more than that, I’ll start slurring my words.

“Alright,” General Hammond says, and is his accent thicker? Maybe Daniel isn’t the only one who’s been drinking around here. “We’ll continue this in the morning. Dr. Janet, have your staff keep an eye on the kitten for the next few days, just to make sure that Goa’uld isn’t playing possum. We’ll regroup at 0900 tomorrow.”

The kitten lets out a quiet meow and a contented purr.

They all jump like FNGs arriving to the base.

 
---


“Are you insane?”

Janet’s still staring at him like this is a reasonable request. She must be insane.

“I think a pet would do you some good,” Janet tells him.

“I’m sorry this is so redundant, but really, are you insane?!”

Daniel cannot wrap his head around this. Janet wants him to take a kitten, the kitten that was previously a Goa’uld, and keep it. The same kitten that talked to him while he was trying to take a shit.

“That kitten talked to me while I was trying to take a shit,” Daniel says.

Janet looks slightly guilty, but then her expression smoothes into her best con face. “Even so, the cat is used to you. It even came to find you when it got out.”

“Because it had a Goa’uld in its head. I have a habit of attracting them,” Daniel says, and at Janet’s almost imperceptible wince, he knows he’s winning this argument.
 

---


Daniel glares at the guards that sign him out, at his car, at the roads, at his building, and at his apartment. Then, he glares at the little grey kitten that’s made itself at home on his couch.

Maybe that Goa’uld had a point about setting eye lasers to kill phase.

Daniel glares even harder at the kitten, hands on his hips, and it crack open one eye, stares at him, and then starts purring. It’s tiny, tiny paws knead into his couch.

“If you sit on my face when I sleep, I am giving you to Teal’c,” Daniel says. He means it. He totally does.

The kitten yawns widely—it’s so little, Daniel thinks—and just purrs louder.

Daniel sighs, and then goes to bed. He’ll think of names for the kitten tomorrow, something other than the names he’s already dubbed the cat in his head: ‘Goa’uld,’  ‘Ceiling Cat,’ and ‘Anubis.'

 
---


Daniel names him Khufu, but ends up calling him Ceiling Cat anyway.

 


I hope so, because I feel like I'm on drugs right now. How the hell am I NOT on drugs?!?!

It is a rare, rare brain that combines StarGate SG:1, kittens, Goa'uld, and icanhascheezburger.com.

We'll call it "evil genius", okay?
Can I do experiments on it?
Oh, and the whole jackel/dog-in-cat bit, it was cute.


I don't know about the genius part, but my brain is definitely evil. Mostly to me.

Experiments?

I'm glad you got the whole dog vs. cat thing. It was unintentional in the beginning, but when I realized what I'd done, it amused me. Thanks for the comment!

AHAHAHAHAHA ♥ ♥ ♥

This is what I think the cat looks like:



And then I found this:


LMAO. That is totally what that cat looks like.

Dude. This is so cracky that it almost shames me. Like, I was horrified when I was writing this, but I couldn't stop.

Holy crap this is good. How does this not have a few hundred comments? I am here via a rec, and I'm going to post a rec myself soon. This is brilliant.

Thank you!

Oh my god, this was actually recced? I just...this story was so ridiculous that the sole reason Daniel took a nap is because my brain was giving me a headache and I desperately needed to take a break writing this. (As you can tell, both my writing and my writing process are extremely professional and obviously serious business.)

LOL, I think your icon sums up this entire fic.

Thanks for the comment!

Best crack ever! (LJ ate my earlier comment, so if there is a longer one that shows up later, I apologize)

Thank you!

(It hasn't shown up yet, so I'm assuming Frank decided it was most delicious.)

<3333333333333 BEST. CRACK. EVER.

Got here through a link from green_grrl.

Purrrrrfect. Just too funny.

Oh noes! No dying! ^.^

Thanks for the comment!

(Also, your icon, just, Daniel's face. Daniel's face.)

I have no idea what I just read.

This does not, in any way, diminish its sheer brilliance.

And poor Daniel, because as little as the guy gets laid NOW, he won't even be able to masturbate in peace with teh kitteh around. Hee!

We must be soulmates, because after I wrote this my response was, "...I have no idea what I just wrote."

Aw, aw, Daniel. I'm convinced that he's secretly getting sex from everyone because no one can resist those baby blues and those ridiculously long legs. (Although I'm fairly sure his seduction technique is to teach people how to curse fluently in any language they want. Just sayin'.)

Thank you for the wonderful comment!

OMG! This is so totally made of awesome.

Dies laughing!

The kitty... Teal'c eyebrows... my headache from laughing so hard.

You win everything!

XXX

Thank you!

TEAL'C'S EYEBROWS ARE TOTALLY SEPARATE ENTITIES, I AM CONVINCED OF THIS.

thiiz iz gud crack - we can haz moar, plez?

[BTW: I came here from a rec on the DanielFicRecs Yahoo Group and I'm running right out and reccing this on my LJ. Be warned and prepare for the flood.]

[BTW2: It will take me hours to get the fluids out of my keyboard and off my monitor. Spit take for the WIN!]

Edited at 2011-10-21 07:19 pm (UTC)

Thank you!

Oh my god, this is really getting around. I honestly didn't think this would be popular. Like, ever.

“Hey, Janet,” Daniel says quietly when she picks up her phone, “are you missing a kitten?”

Daniel's so subtle!

Crack is good! Crack is great! Kitteh rules the world!

By the way, I got here from a rec on ManyRoads.

Thank you so much!

(I am terrified of cats taking over the world. Terrified.)

Thanks for the heads up about the rec. I don't mind that people rec my fics, but it's nice to have a heads-up (I was wondering why this had kinda gone viral).

Absolutely made of win! This is serious high-quality crack.

You really totally win the internets today. \o/ and ♥


Commenting again to add that I followed blue_meridian's rec to get here, and I've recced it in turn at http://sg1genrecs.dreamwidth.org/65253.html.

Thank you so much! And thanks for the heads-up about the recs, I appreciate it.

Okay, now that I can breathe again, this is cracktacularly good. God. Poor Daniel, and Teal'c telling a kitten it's a false god -- after said tiny kitten tries to tell Teal'c to kree -- was hilarious.

::amused:: If I was Hammond, I might have gotten drunk over this myself.

Thank you!

Thank you!

Teal'c arguing with a kitchen is probably my favorite thing about this fic. The image of it, I crack the fuck up. And I really do think that Hammond would have to drink to deal with all the shit that SG1 sends his way.

(Deleted comment)
Seriously, this is the good crack. (Followed gryphonrhi over here. Word travels.)

Thank you!

(Oh my god, I'm beginning to see that. I literally thought my room mate, who I wrote this for, would be the only one who saw this.)

So. Much. Fun!
This is really fabulous. Thanks for a much-needed laugh.

(also here via gryphonrhi

Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed this!

Here thanks to gryphonrhi...I loved the story and even recced it on my LJ. The thing is, I don't even watch this show or read its fics. BUt it still made me laugh!!!

Thanks!

I'm glad that you liked it even though you don't really know the fandom. I definitely recommend watching the show.

Don't know fandom. Don't know Teal'c. Don't know Goa’uld.

Have cat.

LMAO anyway except quietly because SON is asleep.

(W)rec(k) from seticat.

Thanks for reading even though you don't know the fandom!

This is unbelievable. I laughed so hard at "I can has cheezburger" that my own cat levitated out of her chair.

You win at everything.

LOL. I know exactly what you mean when you say your cat levitated out out of her chair.

Thanks for the comment!

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