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The Weaved Patterns of Connections

Knowing how to touch another person is not romance

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I Like That Razor Tongue of Yours
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Title: I Like That Razor Tongue of Yours
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Stiles is pretty sure that his type is bitchy. Derek is possibly the bitchiest person Stiles has ever met. (Original prompt is here)
Pairing: Derek/Stiles
Warnings: Language, I guess? Also, talk of boners.
Disclaimer: Yeah, no, this definitely never happened.
A/N: Holy shit, you guys. I don't even know what this is. WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN.
A/N 2 GUYS. GUYS. heard_the_owl PODFICCED ME AGAIN. https://archiveofourown.org/works/803139 GO GO GO.

Stiles’ crush on Lydia is legendary—at least, it should be with the way Scott teases him about it. And, okay, maybe Scott has a point about Lydia getting fiercer and crueler each year, and Stiles liking her more and more each year, but that’s just because Stiles is a good person. Hell, Stiles is a saint for loving Lydia as much as he does, despite the fact that she’s got the sharpest tongue ever. Seriously. In the fifth grade Lydia made their history teacher cry when she lectured her about how the US really treated Native Americans. (The actual information was horrifying, but Lydia was awesome.)

It’s in his freshmen year that Stiles realizes that maybe, probably, he is actually attracted to Lydia because she is bitchy—no “despite” about it.

(This was not a fun epiphany, as Stiles was watching Will & Grace at three in the morning during the summer. Firstly, Stiles realized that he had a hard-on—which, really, Will & Grace? And then came the rest of the epiphany: He had a hard-on because of Karen. Sure, Karen dressed like a pimp and had some bangin’ curves (both of which Stiles can respect), but Karen honestly wasn’t attractive. At least, she wasn’t attractive until she started bitching out Grace, and then—well, then hard-on.

Stiles is pretty sure he has a legit problem.)

So Stiles’ type is…bitchy. Once he figures that out, he starts freaking out about maybe having a humiliation kink. He watches some porn, and that doesn’t answer anything. He thinks about Lydia insulting him during sex and—yeah, that definitely kills the mood, thank god.

Now that Stiles knows why he’s attracted to Lydia, it’s both better and worse. It’s better because now when Scott makes fun of Stiles about Lydia, Stiles can be all smug and superior because Scott is wrong. It’s worse because whenever Lydia says something particularly cutting or well-timed, Stiles wants to drop to his knees and say, “Let my suck your totally metaphorical dick.”

Okay, so maybe Stiles has a bigger problem than he originally assumed.

But Stiles is clever and knows what conditioning is, so he learns to control his totally inappropriate urges. By sophomore year, Stiles can be smooth around Lydia.

Then Derek Hale comes back like an angry bitch-slap of werewolf justice.

At first, Stiles doesn’t really notice how attractive Derek is. Yeah, he’s aware that Derek is definitely physically attractive, but apart from that one time when Derek slammed Stiles’ head against the steering wheel (man, Stiles is so messed up), both Stiles and Derek are too busy worrying about Scott and the Alpha for Stiles to find Derek attractive.

After the Alpha is dead, though, holy god. Derek is so bitchy that Stiles has a permanent semi-hard-on around then guy. Derek will say things to Scott like: “that’s because you’re whipped by your tiny girlfriend, you moron,” and “a homeless guy with a rusty wheelchair is quieter than you,” and (when Scott started yelling that nothing Derek taught him was working) “your own stupidity is starting to frustrate you, isn’t it?”

Even worse, Stiles’ own, “I’ll rip your throat out with my teeth” has turned into, “You may not have the mental capacity to understand this, but a conversation is held between at least two people, and I don’t care about your day. Shut up before I rip your throat out.”

At least Derek’s glares stay the same. They’re just a lot more attractive than they were before.

Of course, none of this is helping Stiles with his weird “I’m only attracted to bitchy people” thing. Derek is even bitchier than Lydia, which is something that should be absolutely impossible, but somehow Derek manages it and now instead of wanting to suck Derek’s metaphorical dick, Stiles wants to suck his actual dick. This is a jump that Stiles is not sure he’s okay with.

So Stiles tries to play it cool. Scratch that, he does play it cool. Stiles is so subtle that even Straight Faced (That’s Really a Pout Disguised as a Glower) Agent Aaron Hotchner wouldn’t know that Stiles is attracted to Derek.

“That’s it,” Derek says one day, just as Stiles gets out of his Jeep. “Scott, go running—if you don’t come back sweating, I’ll kick your ass. Stiles, is there a reason you always stink of arousal, or are you just suffering from priapism?”

“Oh my god,” says Scott, and takes off faster than Stiles has ever seen him run.

“Oh my god,” says Stiles, panics, and then lunges for the safety of his Jeep.

“No,” says Derek, and he grabs Stiles by the collar. “We are going to talk about this. You are incapable of shutting up usually, I don’t see why now should be any different.”

Oh god. Derek knows. Derek totally knows and Stiles is apparently not as subtle as he thought and Derek really is going to rip his throat out.

“No no no no no,” Stiles says. “We totally don’t need to talk. How about I just leave and—“

Derek glares.

Stiles thinks, oh Sweet Jesus.

And then Derek flares his nostrils, and Stiles remembers that, oh, right, werewolf senses.

“You’re aroused again,” Derek says. “Why the hell are you aroused?”

Derek looks deeply suspicious, and it’s a new look on him. Frankly, Stiles likes it.

…Oh right. Derek asked him a question.

“I’m not aroused!” Stiles says, about a lifetime too late.

“The fact that you keep trying to lie to a werewolf isn’t charming, it’s dumb,” Derek says. “Why the hell are you aroused?”

Stiles won’t say it. He won’t. He won’t because Stiles has an awesome amount of will-power.

“You’re just so bitchy!” Stiles says.

Well, fuck.

“I’m not bitchy,” Derek snaps, and yeah—

“That’s totally a bitch-face,” Stiles points out. It’s one damn fine bitch-face.

Derek glares.

“Yeah, that’s not helping either,” Stiles says, as his semi-hard-on decides to upgrade to a full hard-on.

Derek’s nostrils flare wide and his pupils seep open and oh my god, he’s still glaring and is Derek trying to kill him with hotness?

Stiles may have just whimpered.

And then Derek is looming in front of him, dipping his head down and scenting the side of Stiles’ neck and Stiles is definitely whimpering now, but that doesn’t matter because Derek brings his head up until he can kiss Stiles like Derek’s trying to suck the noises right out of him. By the time Derek graciously allows Stiles to breathe again, Stiles is clinging to Derek’s shoulders with what little strength he has.

Derek smirks. “You’ve never done this before, have you?”

“No?” Stiles asks.

“That was rhetorical,” Derek says.

And then he kisses Stiles again.

This right there was sooo much fun. So much.

Asdfghjkhfsasdf, let me dieeeee!
I couldn't stop giggling. Love it, love it. I love your brain.

Thank you.

Holy god, I wanted to make this all badass and stuff, and instead my brain just kind of...vomited.

That was awesome! :D

Very evil to stop it there, though ;)

Thank you!

It started dragging at the end, as far as my will to keep writing this, and I needed to end it for my own sanity.

so so in love with this and i too am a little in love with karen to be fair.

Thank you!

Karen is possibly my favorite character on that show. (Although when they join together as an evil force, Karen-Jack is my favorite character.)

Ahh! Oh I loved this (it's soooo true)

And throwing in the Criminal Minds reference? Perfect. Hotch so dose pout all the time~


Thank you!

I really don't know how this fandom isn't overloaded with Criminal Mind references, considering that Jeff Davis created them both.

Love love love this! ♥

I also loved the Criminal Minds reference :3

Thank you!

I couldn't resist with the Hotch reference. It was bound to happen, especially because I don't write Criminal Minds fanfic, but I should.

"...Stiles, is there a reason you always stink of arousal, or are you just suffering from priapism?”

This made me suffer so much secondhand embarrassment. Seriously, I died....then finished reading.
Great read, though. I really enjoyed the voice you had for Stiles, and the whole thing was very funny, particularly the humiliation kink part.

Thank you!

That was one of my favorite lines. I was like, what would be the most bitchy, embarrassing way to ask Stiles why he's aroused? And the answer was the Derek version of, "aww, is your penis dysfunctional?"

Oh, Stiles. I understand. I really, really do.

This was so great. And hilarious. And I think everyone's pretty much covered it so, yeah. XD

Thank you!

I felt so bad for Stiles. Like, he gets the guy, but he'll never win another verbal sparring ever again.

I LOVE YOUR FACE. and also your fic writing skills. They're so sexy.

:D :D :D :D


Yay! I officially have sexy writing skills!

Ahhhhhh! Let me die!!!! That was lovely and fun and adorable ♥
Loved the Criminal Minds reference +1

Thank you!

There needs to be more Criminal Minds in this fandom. There really, really does. (OMG, I JUST REALIZED THAT THERE IS A DEREK IN BOTH THESE 'VERSES. SDLFKJSA;AJ;SLKDFJS.)

It’s one damn fine bitch-face. <3 Love.

Also, Stiles love for bitchy people... probably true.

Lol, right? Derek has the best bitch-face in the world (although I probably wouldn't tell him that to his face).

Thanks for the comment!

(Deleted comment)
Thank you!

LOLOL, that line was one of my favorites. I couldn't stop laughing when I wrote it. (Derek totally is like a bitch-slap. He comes out of nowhere and is like "BAM" but he doesn't actually cause that much damage to anyone. It's more of that surprise sting.)